I don’t know where to start. I feel like this will be a rant, but I need somewhere to vent, I need to process my feelings, I just need to get my stress out.
I am a mum to an amazing, cheeky little 3.5 year old and a very strong willed 11 month old. They are both perfect in their own way and I just adore them with all my heart. But gosh, childcare is a full time job.
I officially came off maternity leave at the end of February and had decided to take unpaid leave up to mid June way before I had heard of Covid-19. So when creche’s closed, we were so lucky that I was already off so I could mind our kids while my husband worked. He would watch our older boy while I did nap time but otherwise I had both boys. It certainly wasn’t the end of maternity leave I had planned. Days were long, stressful and complicated by trying to juggle the care of two children with very different needs. But I was the lucky one, I had the ability to do it.
My extended leave ended in mid-June, 2 weeks before creche’s reopened. My husband took a few days off while I settled back into work. The second week I took extra days off myself as the challenge was just so much harder than we expected. But there was a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Our 3 year old would be starting creche. He would have friends to play with and we wouldn’t feel guilty when he cried about just wanting someone to play with. It will be much easier with only one child at home, I kept telling myself.
It was when we were home with the baby that we realised actually he is the harder one to manage at his particular age. He is at such a high needs phase, he needs so much play and stimulation, so much attention. The hardest part was I didn’t have an end in sight anymore. Creche wasn’t taking on new babies until after mid-August (although thankfully they have started taking them in soon now things have settled). I have been trying to manage the stress of just hitting my work hours while looking after a baby at home. I am breastfeeding him too so every nap time is all down to me. When he doesn’t settle during the day, I have to sit in a dark room with him feeding and rocking him in the hope he will rest, time I would otherwise be savouring if it wasn’t for the fact I am meant to be working.
I start work at 7.30 am and finish it at 11 pm. That’s 15.5 hours and I am lucky to get 6 of my contracted 7.3 hours done. I take 1 day off a week which I just spread over the 5 days so I hit my hours. I get no rest, no downtime and I am just struggling like I have never struggled before. I feel like I am failing at work, failing at motherhood and that I am a terrible wife to my poor husband who is just as stressed as me.
What frustrates me the most is the state support, because there is none. I wouldn’t begrudge any benefits provided to other mums as they have completely different challenges that they have been facing. But for people like me, mums who are trying to double job, there is no support. Because my son is born 3 months earlier I miss out on 2 weeks maternity leave and 5 weeks parental leave. That’s 7 weeks, 7 weeks that could have given me the space to look after my child and not split myself in two. I felt very hard done by when the most recent benefits were announced to the same group, with nothing going to people like myself.
And it’s hard for my little boy too as he doesn’t get the stimulation he deserves. 4 weeks after going back to work I took a week off. We all needed a holiday. To my surprise and delight, on day one he crawled, he actually crawled! Because I was there to give him my attention. I fear that by trying to just get through each day his development is slowing down. Another fail.
As I sit here in the dark at 11pm trying to resettle my baby back to sleep for the 4th time tonight, I just feel like I am in a bucket of forgotten mommas. Trying to survive with my mantra of “this too shall pass, just keep smiling” with tears in my eyes, frustrated, exhausted and stressed. I keep reminding myself, there are a lot of people in harder situations, we are safe, we are healthy, we are together. At least tomorrow is Friday and I get to do one job for the weekend. ❤
MY ADVENTURE INTO THE WORLD OF MOTHERHOOD 